Breaking point.

I wouldn’t call myself the expressive type – it probably will be my downfall one day. I’m just the type of person who just functions until I can function no more. Sometimes it’s worth it, just to get by, and other times I reckon it is just detrimental to my health.

Lately, I reached one of those breaking points- the trigger probably was the whole giving away the dog thing, but really there is so much more going on the background. It’s no mean feat taking care of an almost 3 year old and a 3 month old as well – I’m not going to lie, there are days that I have depended on the TV to gain us all some sanity, and there are nights that I don’t know if I want to go to sleep for the fear that I will see every hour of the night before the morning…

Not to mention my meagre attempt at keeping the house clean (and being thwarted by the toddler every time) as well as external commitments to things like church, work, etc. which I think are good for me, but are also just another thing to add into the plethora of things already going on in my head.

And then there’s the guilt – the guilt of not doing enough for my dog. The guilt of not doing enough for my husband and my children. The guilt of calling myself a Christian but not devoting enough time to building my relationship with God. The guilt of not having a stable career to give my husband an opportunity to be a full-time dad. The guilt of the uncertain future, daunting as much as it is promising. The guilt of not having the courage to do certain things or the wisdom to let go of other things.

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But anyway, that point – it broke last weekend. And thank goodness I had the long weekend to recover, because I think it helped me become functional again. Also, thank goodness for the sunshine, because everything feels better in the sunlight. And I can’t admit I have everything worked out, but I feel that perhaps I am taking small steps in the right direction again.

I suppose I’m trying to give a bit of advice here, though I never listen to my own advice, do I? Don’t let things reach a breaking point. If something is bugging you, don’t just sweep it under the doormat. Talk about it, write about it, sing about it even. Let it come out into the open so that it doesn’t poison your mind and your heart. And then let it go – let it float away, until you feel as light as a feather and can face the next thing life is going to throw at you. And then be at peace, with your decisions and with yourself.

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Anyway, I’m going to pull out this gem from my youth. I used to write songs since a child but perhaps the “darker” songs emerged from as early as 12 years old. I think I was about 14 when I wrote this – I only vaguely remember the melody, but I remember why I wrote it:

look again, am I the one that you know?
look inside, cos I’m the one you don’t understand
look around, it is falling in place
look at me, I am frozen in time

cos it’s hard to breathe
and inside my eyes it’s zero degrees
and I’m looking for the fire, the flame
but it’s gone, blown out, just like you…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I can’t control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I can’t go on…

now I find, that it isn’t that simple
now I see, what the meaning of sacrifice is
now I know, how unities divide
and now I feel I can no longer survive

cos it’s hard to get by
and in my eyes
I’m frozen in a lie
and I’m looking for the fire, the flame
but it’s gone, blown out, just like you…
but it’s gone, put out, just like you…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I cant control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I can’t go on…

how long is eternity
can it return my destiny
how long is life going on, going on, going on…

look again, am I the one that you know?
look inside, cos I’m the one you don’t understand
look around, it is falling in place
look at me, I am… going on, going on…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I can’t control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I cant go on…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I can’t control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I cant go on…

Here’s to the 14-year-old wisdom of my youth, something I need to call upon time and time again. 🙂 Have a great week!

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Goodbye, goodbye.

Have you ever had a moment where you’re not sure where inspiration has come from to write something, but as times goes by, the reason becomes clear? This feels almost surreal to me (and it may not be related) but has become somewhat of a tribute for me concerning recent affairs.

My last post was a relatively “down” one and I was going to liven up the mood with pictures of Christmas/New Year’s frivolity and Jacob in the swimming pool, but right now it feels inappropriate seeing that we are close to the heart of a South Australian emergency with bushfires in the Adelaide Hills.

Yesterday, I saw smoke and thought our local shopping centre was on fire. But no, the fire was a bit further off. It still looked pretty smoky though.

our house

My in-laws live in the hills and shortly after I posted that photo, my mum-in-law shared this photo, which looks even more ominous:

julie

We normally go up to church today but the roads were all blocked off due to fire risk, so we just gathered at a friend’s house for fellowship. We were told that winds were blowing the fire up our way – this picture was taken not far from our house.

golden grove

Our church is based up in Birdwood (which is one of the towns where people were recommended to evacuate) and we know quite a few people who were on the verge of losing their homes. We are continually praying for them, for the firefighters and for the whole fire situation here in Adelaide.

I wrote this song on the 27th of December – I was inspired by the idea of new resolutions and lasting change as the new year approached, as well as Avril Lavigne’s CD that I got for Christmas. The very next day, I read about the Air Asia flight going missing (and eventually found as a wreckage in the sea). And now we have the bushfires and lives are at stake as well.

Could I please ask that you take a listen, and tell me I’m not imagining things when I say that there are subtle messages in this song that leave hints about these recent tragedies? No, I’m not saying I’m a mind reader or that I’m divinely inspired or something. But I just found this just a bit surreal.

So, please permit me to share another sad post, because it feels appropriate at this time. People have lost their homes, firefighters have been injured and the fire is still burning. One of the saddest stories to me is the fire that burnt through one of the kennels and cattery in the hills where many animal lives were lost.

For anyone keen to help out, here’s how you can assist. We went out to a donation centre today to drop off some non-perishable food and drink for the CFS workers, and it was so heartening to see so many generous people there to help out in any way they could. Apparently, there was so much collected that they didn’t have enough space in their utes to bring it to the distribution centres, so some people offered to load their cars and help transport items as well.

The one good thing I can say about the situation is that it brings people together to unite for a cause. And that makes me smile. Take care everybody!

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