Breaking point.

I wouldn’t call myself the expressive type – it probably will be my downfall one day. I’m just the type of person who just functions until I can function no more. Sometimes it’s worth it, just to get by, and other times I reckon it is just detrimental to my health.

Lately, I reached one of those breaking points- the trigger probably was the whole giving away the dog thing, but really there is so much more going on the background. It’s no mean feat taking care of an almost 3 year old and a 3 month old as well – I’m not going to lie, there are days that I have depended on the TV to gain us all some sanity, and there are nights that I don’t know if I want to go to sleep for the fear that I will see every hour of the night before the morning…

Not to mention my meagre attempt at keeping the house clean (and being thwarted by the toddler every time) as well as external commitments to things like church, work, etc. which I think are good for me, but are also just another thing to add into the plethora of things already going on in my head.

And then there’s the guilt – the guilt of not doing enough for my dog. The guilt of not doing enough for my husband and my children. The guilt of calling myself a Christian but not devoting enough time to building my relationship with God. The guilt of not having a stable career to give my husband an opportunity to be a full-time dad. The guilt of the uncertain future, daunting as much as it is promising. The guilt of not having the courage to do certain things or the wisdom to let go of other things.

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But anyway, that point – it broke last weekend. And thank goodness I had the long weekend to recover, because I think it helped me become functional again. Also, thank goodness for the sunshine, because everything feels better in the sunlight. And I can’t admit I have everything worked out, but I feel that perhaps I am taking small steps in the right direction again.

I suppose I’m trying to give a bit of advice here, though I never listen to my own advice, do I? Don’t let things reach a breaking point. If something is bugging you, don’t just sweep it under the doormat. Talk about it, write about it, sing about it even. Let it come out into the open so that it doesn’t poison your mind and your heart. And then let it go – let it float away, until you feel as light as a feather and can face the next thing life is going to throw at you. And then be at peace, with your decisions and with yourself.

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Anyway, I’m going to pull out this gem from my youth. I used to write songs since a child but perhaps the “darker” songs emerged from as early as 12 years old. I think I was about 14 when I wrote this – I only vaguely remember the melody, but I remember why I wrote it:

look again, am I the one that you know?
look inside, cos I’m the one you don’t understand
look around, it is falling in place
look at me, I am frozen in time

cos it’s hard to breathe
and inside my eyes it’s zero degrees
and I’m looking for the fire, the flame
but it’s gone, blown out, just like you…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I can’t control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I can’t go on…

now I find, that it isn’t that simple
now I see, what the meaning of sacrifice is
now I know, how unities divide
and now I feel I can no longer survive

cos it’s hard to get by
and in my eyes
I’m frozen in a lie
and I’m looking for the fire, the flame
but it’s gone, blown out, just like you…
but it’s gone, put out, just like you…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I cant control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I can’t go on…

how long is eternity
can it return my destiny
how long is life going on, going on, going on…

look again, am I the one that you know?
look inside, cos I’m the one you don’t understand
look around, it is falling in place
look at me, I am… going on, going on…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I can’t control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I cant go on…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I can’t control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I cant go on…

Here’s to the 14-year-old wisdom of my youth, something I need to call upon time and time again. 🙂 Have a great week!

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Sleep and the lack of it

Last night wasn’t too great a night for sleep – I think daylight savings has thrown off Jacob’s body clock a bit. I don’t really understand how daylight savings works too, so maybe it’s me who’s not adjusted properly.

Testament of this lack of sleep is this:
I was out walking the dog and carrying Jacob in his Bjorn, when I met a guy with two dogs who struck up conversation.

Him: How old’s yours?
Me: One and a half years…
(He gives me an odd look)
Me: Ohh, you mean the baby!? Sorry, two months…
Him: Aw, that’s okay. We just had one – he’s only 10 days.
Me: Congratulations!
Him: Thanks – what have you called him?
Me: Skittles. Oh wait, that’s the dog. Sorry. Jacob.

I think he probably figured I was a bit out of it (or thought perhaps I liked the dog more than the baby), so he left soon after. Oh dear.

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Jacob clearly has no issues sleeping though. Anyway, speaking of sleep – it was something I always thought I could do without, or at least steal a bit from each day.

My first all-nighter was when I was 10 or 11 – we had to write a novella for English class and my inspiration only came the night before it was due. A lot of Nescafe was consumed that night (yes, I’ve been drinking coffee since I was in primary school). I also spent many a night staying up writing stories or songs – once the idea hit me, my brain would not shut off.

Then I went to high school & college, where there were quite a few middle-of-the-night phone calls, web-surfing to the wee hours of the morning or just sitting in bed contemplating the future. Of course, there were also times I got caught up reading a really good novel or watching an entire season of anime (like 30 episodes in a row)…

At Uni, I had my days of clubbing and coming home at 8.00am – also, assignments took significantly longer and once I was on a roll, I wouldn’t stop til it was done. I remember once after a long stint of not sleeping, I KO-ed around 8.00am and woke up at 9.00am the next day. It was very disturbing.

But I think I turned things around when I met Daniel. I eventually learned that normal people actually sleep at night, and a good amount of sleep is about 8 hours each night. It took me a while to stamp out my bad habits, but now I’m a full-on advocate of sleeping well at night.

Well, where am I going with all of this? I just thought that I’d be better at handling the lack of sleep, seeing I have a long track record. But no – this fragmented sleep pattern is making me little scatterbrained, a bit moody at times and a bit less productive.

But I think it’s all worth it – waking up next to the man of my dreams is pretty worth it. XD

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However, for mums-to-be (or mums-right-now), here are some ways to cope with the lack of sleep – I haven’t tried all of them but I really should sometime:

1. Talk about it – rant, rave, let people know that you’re struggling. You’ll find that you’ll get a few more supporters in your plight.

2. Sleep when baby sleeps – if baby has a nap in the day, take this opportunity to sleep too. Jacob doesn’t usually sleep for more than an hour at a time, but it still helps. My problem is I have daytime insomnia – when I was in play school, the ladies would pat my bum to try to get me to sleep to no avail.

3. Don’t bite off more than you can chew – Don’t try to take on too many responsibilities. If there’s anything I do wrong, it’s not saying no to everything that people want me to do. But saying no will evidently give me more time to relax, and more time with my cute baby (so it’s not always a bad thing).

4. Eat an apple instead of having a coffee – if you need to wake up, don’t pump your body with caffeine! An apple’s great and it’ll prevent that caffeine crash you have later in the day.

5. Get someone to help out – don’t be afraid to delegate. I sometimes get Daniel to change Jacob in the middle of the night (which is usually a bonus for him, because that’s when Jacob is bright and gurgling).

Enjoy the rest of the day, everyone! 🙂