Breaking point.

I wouldn’t call myself the expressive type – it probably will be my downfall one day. I’m just the type of person who just functions until I can function no more. Sometimes it’s worth it, just to get by, and other times I reckon it is just detrimental to my health.

Lately, I reached one of those breaking points- the trigger probably was the whole giving away the dog thing, but really there is so much more going on the background. It’s no mean feat taking care of an almost 3 year old and a 3 month old as well – I’m not going to lie, there are days that I have depended on the TV to gain us all some sanity, and there are nights that I don’t know if I want to go to sleep for the fear that I will see every hour of the night before the morning…

Not to mention my meagre attempt at keeping the house clean (and being thwarted by the toddler every time) as well as external commitments to things like church, work, etc. which I think are good for me, but are also just another thing to add into the plethora of things already going on in my head.

And then there’s the guilt – the guilt of not doing enough for my dog. The guilt of not doing enough for my husband and my children. The guilt of calling myself a Christian but not devoting enough time to building my relationship with God. The guilt of not having a stable career to give my husband an opportunity to be a full-time dad. The guilt of the uncertain future, daunting as much as it is promising. The guilt of not having the courage to do certain things or the wisdom to let go of other things.

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But anyway, that point – it broke last weekend. And thank goodness I had the long weekend to recover, because I think it helped me become functional again. Also, thank goodness for the sunshine, because everything feels better in the sunlight. And I can’t admit I have everything worked out, but I feel that perhaps I am taking small steps in the right direction again.

I suppose I’m trying to give a bit of advice here, though I never listen to my own advice, do I? Don’t let things reach a breaking point. If something is bugging you, don’t just sweep it under the doormat. Talk about it, write about it, sing about it even. Let it come out into the open so that it doesn’t poison your mind and your heart. And then let it go – let it float away, until you feel as light as a feather and can face the next thing life is going to throw at you. And then be at peace, with your decisions and with yourself.

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Anyway, I’m going to pull out this gem from my youth. I used to write songs since a child but perhaps the “darker” songs emerged from as early as 12 years old. I think I was about 14 when I wrote this – I only vaguely remember the melody, but I remember why I wrote it:

look again, am I the one that you know?
look inside, cos I’m the one you don’t understand
look around, it is falling in place
look at me, I am frozen in time

cos it’s hard to breathe
and inside my eyes it’s zero degrees
and I’m looking for the fire, the flame
but it’s gone, blown out, just like you…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I can’t control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I can’t go on…

now I find, that it isn’t that simple
now I see, what the meaning of sacrifice is
now I know, how unities divide
and now I feel I can no longer survive

cos it’s hard to get by
and in my eyes
I’m frozen in a lie
and I’m looking for the fire, the flame
but it’s gone, blown out, just like you…
but it’s gone, put out, just like you…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I cant control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I can’t go on…

how long is eternity
can it return my destiny
how long is life going on, going on, going on…

look again, am I the one that you know?
look inside, cos I’m the one you don’t understand
look around, it is falling in place
look at me, I am… going on, going on…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I can’t control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I cant go on…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I can’t control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I cant go on…

Here’s to the 14-year-old wisdom of my youth, something I need to call upon time and time again. 🙂 Have a great week!

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Motivators for cleaning my house!

So, it’s full steam ahead again for hubby who is back to school (and for me too because I have Jacob all day again). I have been trying to write a post since Monday but this week has been crazyyyyy! But I guess I’ll talk about some things that are a bit closer to home – i.e. housework.

In the last few weeks, I’ve realised that I have a few motivators for cleaning my house – hence I wanted to share them. Unfortunately, money has not been one of them (though I would LOVE to be paid to clean this place, whoopee!).

1. Having people come over to my house
This is probably one of the BEST motivators for me to clean my house because I do take pride in keeping my house presentable. Okay, maybe Daniel has higher standards than me but at least it’s a great reason for us to drop everything else and just make sure we put everything away and keep the floor clean.

Having a clean floor was especially important as my cousin and his family came over with their little boy to spend some time with Jacob, hence a lot of playing on the floor. It’s was so awesome to see them playing together, especially on the piano:

ImageIt’s even cuter because the two of them look relatively alike – when I posted a few photos of them on Facebook, the automatic tagging option from Facebook thought they were the same person!

2. When an urgent issue happens (e.g. spillage)
So, on Monday morning, I was getting Jacob’s breakfast ready and silly me leaves the pantry door open for a few minutes to grab a few different things. And Jacob comes from out of nowhere and then this happens:

ImageI’m relieved he didn’t hurt himself on it, but boy it was a chore cleaning it up (especially scrubbing it out of the grout while the boy was pouting and whining in his high chair). And to get the soy sauce stain off the floor, I had to mop over it a few times and just decided to mop the house at the same time.

So far, Jacob has destroyed a few things – he’s broken a bowl (pulled the placemat which then pulled the bowl off the table), he’s pulled his mobile right off the cot (I saved it before he broke the plastic handle) and he tore off a frog from his sock (you know, those little soft toys they put on babies’ socks to entertain them?). Oh Jacob…

This also tells me that I really have to childproof my house more now. It’s easy enough to close doors to certain rooms so he can’t open drawers, but it’s mainly the loungeroom that I’m worried about. I sometimes can put him into a playpen, though he usually doesn’t like to be in it unless I’m in it with him. But once I let him free-roam the lounge, he makes a beeline for the TV cabinet. Remember how I said he was a tech whiz before? Well, a few days ago, he ejected the DVD from the DVD player and started biting it. Le sigh.

3. Guilt
I’ll have to tell you a bit of a background story first. So, I was rushing around trying to get many things done as usual and was heading out to lunch with my friends. I was carrying Jacob and 500 different things that I had to bring out with me, one of which was not my house keys. So, I was locked out!

Naturally, I didn’t want to call for help (because I ALWAYS think I can do things on my own) so I scouted out all the possible ways to get into my house, to no avail. So I went to my next door neighbour’s place and asked if I could climb over their fence into my house, which I did (while they carried Jacob). I proceeded to try and get in through a window or something, and I have to say one thing – my house is pretty darn secure!!!

So, I had to call Daniel who came home during his lunchbreak to let me in! 😦 Funnily enough, I had all of Jacob’s food with me so we had a picnic in the back yard/laundry area.

ImageBut anyway, that’s where the guilt factor came in because I pretty much stole Dan’s whole lunchbreak! To compensate, I ironed all of his shirts on Tuesday when Jacob was having a nap.

4. Free time (which is a luxury these days)

There’s not many days that I have a whole day at home (and I’m hoping to try and make tomorrow a stay-at-home day), but when I get a good day and Jacob sleeps well, I can get stuff done. The issue with Jacob is that he has a short sleep cycle, meaning he only sleeps for 40 minutes at a time. He has a 40 minute sleep mid-morning and another 40 minute sleep in the afternoon – and that really doesn’t give me much time to get things done, especially if I plan to use that time to eat or shower.

Anyway, the fact that it’s taken me this long to write this post is testament that I HAVE in fact been keeping busy, and housework is one of the things that I’ve been doing (for once!). So I’ll end the post with a fun picture of Jacob and his cousins – it’s really hard to get a good shot of them together (without having at least one child moving, making the picture blurry) but this was probably my best one:

ImageHave a great rest-of-the-week everyone! ❤