Breaking point.

I wouldn’t call myself the expressive type – it probably will be my downfall one day. I’m just the type of person who just functions until I can function no more. Sometimes it’s worth it, just to get by, and other times I reckon it is just detrimental to my health.

Lately, I reached one of those breaking points- the trigger probably was the whole giving away the dog thing, but really there is so much more going on the background. It’s no mean feat taking care of an almost 3 year old and a 3 month old as well – I’m not going to lie, there are days that I have depended on the TV to gain us all some sanity, and there are nights that I don’t know if I want to go to sleep for the fear that I will see every hour of the night before the morning…

Not to mention my meagre attempt at keeping the house clean (and being thwarted by the toddler every time) as well as external commitments to things like church, work, etc. which I think are good for me, but are also just another thing to add into the plethora of things already going on in my head.

And then there’s the guilt – the guilt of not doing enough for my dog. The guilt of not doing enough for my husband and my children. The guilt of calling myself a Christian but not devoting enough time to building my relationship with God. The guilt of not having a stable career to give my husband an opportunity to be a full-time dad. The guilt of the uncertain future, daunting as much as it is promising. The guilt of not having the courage to do certain things or the wisdom to let go of other things.

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But anyway, that point – it broke last weekend. And thank goodness I had the long weekend to recover, because I think it helped me become functional again. Also, thank goodness for the sunshine, because everything feels better in the sunlight. And I can’t admit I have everything worked out, but I feel that perhaps I am taking small steps in the right direction again.

I suppose I’m trying to give a bit of advice here, though I never listen to my own advice, do I? Don’t let things reach a breaking point. If something is bugging you, don’t just sweep it under the doormat. Talk about it, write about it, sing about it even. Let it come out into the open so that it doesn’t poison your mind and your heart. And then let it go – let it float away, until you feel as light as a feather and can face the next thing life is going to throw at you. And then be at peace, with your decisions and with yourself.

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Anyway, I’m going to pull out this gem from my youth. I used to write songs since a child but perhaps the “darker” songs emerged from as early as 12 years old. I think I was about 14 when I wrote this – I only vaguely remember the melody, but I remember why I wrote it:

look again, am I the one that you know?
look inside, cos I’m the one you don’t understand
look around, it is falling in place
look at me, I am frozen in time

cos it’s hard to breathe
and inside my eyes it’s zero degrees
and I’m looking for the fire, the flame
but it’s gone, blown out, just like you…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I can’t control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I can’t go on…

now I find, that it isn’t that simple
now I see, what the meaning of sacrifice is
now I know, how unities divide
and now I feel I can no longer survive

cos it’s hard to get by
and in my eyes
I’m frozen in a lie
and I’m looking for the fire, the flame
but it’s gone, blown out, just like you…
but it’s gone, put out, just like you…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I cant control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I can’t go on…

how long is eternity
can it return my destiny
how long is life going on, going on, going on…

look again, am I the one that you know?
look inside, cos I’m the one you don’t understand
look around, it is falling in place
look at me, I am… going on, going on…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I can’t control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I cant go on…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I can’t control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I cant go on…

Here’s to the 14-year-old wisdom of my youth, something I need to call upon time and time again. 🙂 Have a great week!

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The gift of availability…

I was going to blog yesterday but we actually had a power outage – we had some crazy winds two nights ago and over 80000 homes lost power, including many local businesses. Jacob and I went out to a mall to escape for some of the day, but it was still a bit of a challenge, especially with hot water as our system is electric ignition based. We got power back last night, thank goodness. Some homes still don’t have power, and even today we still have temperamental power – it dropped out again just before I would publish this!

Read the full story here: http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/news/south-australia/power-to-84000-homes-restored-6000-more-to-go-as-crews-are-stretched-to-the-limit/story-fni6uo1m-1226817192911

I don’t know why this blog doesn’t show links now, and am trying to figure out how to embed them. I am a bit technologically challenged so do bear with me!

One good thing about my outing was that I got to drop by Myer’s closing down sale – everything 50% off! I got a new outfit – dress for $20 and wedge heels for $50 (but they’re real leather and very comfy – I need good shoes for my back and neck). Looks kinda retro with the piano and cement floor, doesn’t it?

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Anyway, what I really wanted to talk about today is the gift of availability. No, not the availability of a gift (though I love gifts!). I’m used to having a very busy lifestyle – even when I was a kid, I had a myriad of activities outside of school. Art classes, dance classes, music classes, tuition classes… the list goes on. And I would go to bed that night feeling rather tired but fulfilled because I had ‘made the most of my day’.

Now that I’m grown up, I’ve tried to adopt a similar outlook on life – by being busy and ‘productive’. Work used to keep me on my toes, but I also did other things like voluntary work, church activities, etc. But I found that it wasn’t actually giving me the feeling of fulfillment that I’ve been seeking since childhood. What was it I was missing?

I think I was actually missing time to do things that mattered more to me. Yes, it was good to build things into my schedule so I actually had a predictable time frame to work with. I’d know what time to do what and where I’d have to be when, etc. But since I stopped work, I’ve actually enjoyed the lack of structure to my life and the fact that I don’t have to make commitments in most of my waking hours.

Of course, I have to care for Jacob, which is a full time job in itself… but it also comes with a myriad of surprises and changing patterns. He has a routine to an extent, but there are also times where he’ll just change his mind and want to do something completely different. The last few days have been testament to this as he’s been teething (and has a little sharp edge sticking out already) – his sleeping and eating pattern both have gone to the dogs! But he’s still cute (especially when he’s sleeping):

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On Sunday, there was some worrying news going around – friends of ours had their son in hospital and the doctors couldn’t seem to figure out what was wrong with him. Another pregnant friend of ours also went into hospital with contractions which could have resulted in premature labour. We prayed for them, but we were quite busy moving furniture and stripping carpet/lino for renovations this week so couldn’t go out to see them.

However, on Monday, things didn’t look much brighter and I thought to myself – I don’t have anything pressing to do today. I could drop by to visit these friends – and that’s exactly what I did. Things just seemed to fall in place – I managed to pick up and put together a gift basket, and a friend was with me so that when I went to the Paed ward, she could keep Jacob outside (in case he caught something from there). I know I’d had a bee in my bonnet the days leading up to that, but for some reason, when I was there with my friends, I felt completely at peace. I felt that I was doing the right thing at the right time and that my purpose had been fulfilled.

And I thought to myself, how amazing is it to be available? There are so many needs out there to be met, and I wasn’t able to give them my attention because I was too busy with my own life. I made my own plans all the time, and thought I was being productive – which I might have been, but not necessarily was I happy. But once I surrendered my time into the hands of Someone bigger than me, things were being achieved on a bigger scale and I finally felt like I was doing the right thing.

So, for now, I think I won’t overcrowd my calendar with this, that and everything – because sometimes, all that’s asked of you is your time, and you want to be able to freely give it.

Here’s to many more days where we are available to do amazingly more than we’d ever have imagined! 🙂

A final greeting from Skittles who thinks she’s queen of the carpet and lino. 

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