Breaking point.

I wouldn’t call myself the expressive type – it probably will be my downfall one day. I’m just the type of person who just functions until I can function no more. Sometimes it’s worth it, just to get by, and other times I reckon it is just detrimental to my health.

Lately, I reached one of those breaking points- the trigger probably was the whole giving away the dog thing, but really there is so much more going on the background. It’s no mean feat taking care of an almost 3 year old and a 3 month old as well – I’m not going to lie, there are days that I have depended on the TV to gain us all some sanity, and there are nights that I don’t know if I want to go to sleep for the fear that I will see every hour of the night before the morning…

Not to mention my meagre attempt at keeping the house clean (and being thwarted by the toddler every time) as well as external commitments to things like church, work, etc. which I think are good for me, but are also just another thing to add into the plethora of things already going on in my head.

And then there’s the guilt – the guilt of not doing enough for my dog. The guilt of not doing enough for my husband and my children. The guilt of calling myself a Christian but not devoting enough time to building my relationship with God. The guilt of not having a stable career to give my husband an opportunity to be a full-time dad. The guilt of the uncertain future, daunting as much as it is promising. The guilt of not having the courage to do certain things or the wisdom to let go of other things.

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But anyway, that point – it broke last weekend. And thank goodness I had the long weekend to recover, because I think it helped me become functional again. Also, thank goodness for the sunshine, because everything feels better in the sunlight. And I can’t admit I have everything worked out, but I feel that perhaps I am taking small steps in the right direction again.

I suppose I’m trying to give a bit of advice here, though I never listen to my own advice, do I? Don’t let things reach a breaking point. If something is bugging you, don’t just sweep it under the doormat. Talk about it, write about it, sing about it even. Let it come out into the open so that it doesn’t poison your mind and your heart. And then let it go – let it float away, until you feel as light as a feather and can face the next thing life is going to throw at you. And then be at peace, with your decisions and with yourself.

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Anyway, I’m going to pull out this gem from my youth. I used to write songs since a child but perhaps the “darker” songs emerged from as early as 12 years old. I think I was about 14 when I wrote this – I only vaguely remember the melody, but I remember why I wrote it:

look again, am I the one that you know?
look inside, cos I’m the one you don’t understand
look around, it is falling in place
look at me, I am frozen in time

cos it’s hard to breathe
and inside my eyes it’s zero degrees
and I’m looking for the fire, the flame
but it’s gone, blown out, just like you…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I can’t control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I can’t go on…

now I find, that it isn’t that simple
now I see, what the meaning of sacrifice is
now I know, how unities divide
and now I feel I can no longer survive

cos it’s hard to get by
and in my eyes
I’m frozen in a lie
and I’m looking for the fire, the flame
but it’s gone, blown out, just like you…
but it’s gone, put out, just like you…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I cant control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I can’t go on…

how long is eternity
can it return my destiny
how long is life going on, going on, going on…

look again, am I the one that you know?
look inside, cos I’m the one you don’t understand
look around, it is falling in place
look at me, I am… going on, going on…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I can’t control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I cant go on…

and I was afraid this would happen
and I am afraid I can’t control myself
so I didn’t know that it was the breaking point
now my blood is cold and I cant go on…

Here’s to the 14-year-old wisdom of my youth, something I need to call upon time and time again. 🙂 Have a great week!

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4am

Written sometime between 4am and 5am in the comfort of my bedroom, typed on my phone as I rocked Jared to sleep. He’s 1 month old today, by the way!

Dimmed orange lights
Shadows awash on the wall.
A chill moves through the air
It’s 4am in the fall.
Gentle music of old
Singing you to sleep
Arms tired, hands numb
But rocking I will keep.
Gentle brown eyes
Unfaltering and strong
Persisting to stay up
How long, how long
The drawing of breaths
The whiff of milk
The warmth of hugs
Soft skin of silk
My dreams are tired
Thoughts, some not sane
But love wins the race
We will be here again
There is a tale
From not so long ago
A promise I made
Before you became so
Of love, joy and hope
Of sacrifice and strife
Because you end my world
Yet you are also my life
As I lay you down
Hours become days
It doesn’t seem to end
All turns into a daze
Then one day, light’s off
Silence down the hall
Save the breathing
Of someone not so small
Gentle music still plays
Yet now a different song
Give me courage
The will to be strong
Time once stood still
It also ran me off my feet
There is now a place
We will no longer meet
So guard your heart
Allow yourself a fond farewell
A moment never seen again
A story only time can tell.
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April.

Summer never truly arrived, and we are already into autumn. I have to say that this is one of my favourite times of the year because I love seeing the trees cloaked in coats of ever-changing colours, shedding them slowly onto the green grass. I don’t like the impending cold that is about to come, but I have some great memories to keep myself warm.20150322_080336Can’t have Easter without eating some hot cross buns! In all truth, we aren’t really into hot cross buns and Easter eggs; rather, we aim to keep the true meaning of Easter which resonates in the death and resurrection of Jesus. 🙂 20150405_123515During the Easter long weekend, we decided to head out to a kite festival at the beach. We didn’t buy a kite for Jacob but he had an awesome time looking at the kites, watching the steam train chug along and chasing the seagulls. 20150411_111833We had two weddings to go to recently – one was for a Uni friend of mine who was renewing her vows, and another was for Daniel’s cousin. On both occasions, I completely regretted putting Jacob in a white shirt due to the mess he made (though that is his only formal outfit – and you have to admit, the bow tie is cute!). 20150412_110753We took Jacob to the Baby Expo the other day and there was a petting zoo! Jacob loves animals and was squealing and stroking the little animals. He got to try out some Gymbaroo equipment as well, which he didn’t mind but was more interested in running away! 20150413_115946I love school holidays, particularly because we can all get up to mischief as a family! Whether it’s heading out to playgrounds or going shopping or merely sitting at home making a mess, it’s more fun when we’re together! ~~~ I’m having one of those nights where I’m listening to old songs and reading things I wrote a long time ago. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not necessarily sad, more pensive and nostalgic. And I often wonder just how much has changed and how much I’ve changed as a person over the years. One piece of writing that seems to resonate with me tonight is a poem I wrote when I was like 14 or 15. I think it got published in a yearbook or something. I think that I was quite perceptive at this age, but I could also have just been a daydreamy teenager.

My beautiful star
Sparkling, shining, scintillating
Silver and golden embers
Suddenly falls on a night
The whole world remembers
It feels so lost, so sad and hurt
It stumbles upon the lowly dirt
The night is darker than it seems
The star, lost in a schism
Crumbles and fades away
No one knows
How it felt that day
Only me

5 months of joy…

Argh, so I haven’t blogged in a while. This probably coincides with Daniel going back to school, because I can barely remember what it was like to deal with Jacob by myself all day. I have been spoiled, haven’t I?

Thank goodness that he can entertain himself a bit better nowadays, so I have some time for myself. He’s currently lying in his tunnel watching Praise Baby. I highly recommend Praise Baby DVDs – lovely music and lovely pictures/videos. It’s meant to stimulate babies’ minds with bright colours, animals and children playing too. Jacob can only last one or two songs before he loses interest, but that’s pretty good I reckon (and I don’t want to make him a TV junkie after all).

Also, thank goodness that Sophie arrived! She was about 3 weeks late and I was so afraid she got lost in the post, but here she is (and she has become Jacob’s best bud)!

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But I promised myself that I would blog today, first thing (even before breakfast – just having a hot drink while I write this.) because today, Jacob is 5 months old! Goodness, time flies, doesn’t it? He’s grown so much and I’m looking forward to so many wonderful days, months and years to come!

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One thing I know about Jacob is that he’s not camera shy. He’s now used to smiling at the camera and boy, is he a ham! He looks in the mirror and thinks, no, he knows that he is gorgeous… Hopefully he hasn’t picked up that vanity from me, haha!

I’m also so happy that he’s confident in water and loves splashing about.

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He tried his hand at surfing too but I think he needs to wait until he can stand up…

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I just thought a little poem up for Jacob, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

Little hands and little feet
A little dimpled smile to greet
Me every morning, every night;
My little ray of sunlight

Little kisses, little squeals
His personality steals
My attention all the day;
I cannot bear to be away

Little breaths and little snores
Exactly what mummy adores
A little joy gives me wings
Thank you God for little things

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Happy 5 months, little showoff of mine! Your crazy mummy is already planning your 1st birthday party!

On another note, 5 reasons why I think Jacob is going to be a tech whiz:

5. He loves touching my phone and seeing things work. He zooms into pictures and slashes fruit in Fruit Ninja.

4. When he’s next to me when I type things, he copies my finger movement and types stuff. He also scrolls on my touchpad and moves things around. Once he even replayed a baby stimulation Youtube video – I guess he must have liked it.

3. We gave him a musical toy and he started playing some strange music from it – like songs that we couldn’t figure out how to play. It took us weeks to work out that you need to hold down certain buttons for that music to play.

2. He touched our TV remote and turned on subtitles. I had no idea how to turn them off.

1. He just deleted an article I was writing. With a giraffe. No, I kid you not. He was playing around with Sophie the Giraffe near my computer and suddenly selected my whole article and deleted it. Thank goodness he doesn’t know how to save a document.

Alrighty, I should get back to finishing my article and other writing work that I have to do. 🙂

Winds of change

We’ve had a couple of hot days but tomorrow is rumoured to be 20 degrees only (which is honestly a real relief). It’s odd that while I grew up in a tropical country, I don’t actually like the heat anymore – maybe pregnancy has changed me. I used to freeze all the way from March to about September each year, but I actually quite enjoyed my winter and am not sure how I’ll handle the hot dry summer ahead.

And, yes – I can feel the change in the air. I love to hear the wind, especially at night when I’m lying in bed snuggled under the covers. I’m not at the moment, but little Jacob sure is! I’m tempted to play my piano but don’t want to wake him; I would say that Ludovico Einaudi’s music would be fitting. Daniel is listening to Coldplay, which does in fact suit the mood too.

I’m feeling a bit awestruck, nostalgic and grateful at the same time… This is one time that I don’t even need to remind myself how blessed I am – I can feel the joy all around me, reminding me why it’s great to be alive. In fact, I’ll jot down a little poem from the top of my head that sums up how I feel.

Snuggled up on a windy night
With only my lamp alight
Rustling leaves
Through the trees
With the moon shining so bright.

The winds hush my wandering mind
Not knowing what they might find
A happy smile
A sleeping child
They are certain life’s been kind.

The winds die down; the night is still
There are still spaces to fill
Change is nigh
I’m unsure why
But change I will, I will.

I think I was thinking of Robert Frost’s poetry when I wrote that. I love his poems though – will definitely read them to Jacob when he’s a bit older. But for now, I’ll just let him fool around and be cute.

20131117_073824I know that no day is ever the same. People tell me that he’s grown every time they see him. And sometimes I find that sad because at times, I really want him to stay exactly as he is and never ever change. I know that in any relationship, be it a husband-wife relationship or a mother-son one, things will definitely change with time.

People say that the days are long but the years are short. I hope to hold on to these moments for as long as I possibly can. Though such moments may be fleeting like the wind, love engraves them into stone and they will always be part of me.